[Scene: Dining Room — Breakfast Rush]
The clatter of utensils and the low murmur of half-awake residents filled the dining room like background static. I was sitting quietly at my usual table, enjoying my coffee, when the double doors suddenly swung open like the entrance to a prize fight.
In stormed Pete — loud, boisterous, and radiating the kind of energy that screamed, “Your day officially starts now, because I’m here.” He didn’t just enter a room. Pete announces his arrival! As if the rest of us had been sitting around waiting for his grand entrance.
“GOOD MORNING EVERYBODY!”Every fork in the room paused mid-air. I gave my signature eyeroll that got a giggle from a lady sitting at the table next to me.
Pete strutted past the tables like a game show host on the wrong set, clapping Big Don on the shoulder so hard he nearly knocked the poor guy’s toast onto the floor.
He didn’t need a microphone. Pete brought his own acoustics.
Damn, I thought. One day he’s going to walk in tossing roses and throwing T-shirts into the crowd.
He landed at the table next to me, where Gil and Jerry were already seated. From the way they greeted him, you’d think they were warming up the laugh track.I kept listening, curious what flavor of delusion he was serving today.
Pete launched into one of his usuals, chest puffed out as he began another round of tales about his empire.
“I got a call from my manager yesterday, he wants to know when I’m coming to the store to check all the orders.”
Oh great, here we go.
I mimicked just loud enough for the whole table to catch it:
“Yeah, you’re sofa king loud, I thought the fire alarm went off.”
Virginia, sitting across from me, snorted into her oatmeal like a kid trying to hold back a laugh in church.
Pete blinked for a second, then burst out with that big, clueless laugh of his, not realizing the joke had already left the station.
From that morning on, Pete was The SOFA KING — self-appointed, Jack-certified.
Scene: Dining Room — The Next Day, Same Table]
I didn’t even blink, just stirred my coffee like I was calculating the cost of surviving another one of his speeches.
“The Sofa King has arrived!”
Virginia nearly choked on her toast, stifling another laugh.
He leaned over, too close as usual, and said, “Jack, I can give you a break on a beautiful leather recliner! You interested?”
“Oh no thanks, I’m good.”
“You’re a tough customer, Jack. But you know where to find me!”
Oh, I knew exactly where — usually about six decibels too loud and two feet too close.
There goes The SOFA KING.
“Sofa King, Obnoxious!”
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